letting go --

"You've brought me to the end of myself, and this has been the longest road." 

I had one of those moments this morning. The Lord brought me to the end of myself, and what I found there was a very tired girl with knuckles so white they were translucent. Apparently, I have  had* some unresolved control issues. 

"I'm letting go, falling into You." 

Some mornings, just as I've gotten my coffee, set my bunny rabbit (Howie) free in my room to happily destroy everything I own, and I'm starting to open my bible, I hear God say, "Go outside." By this time, I've gotten better at saying "yes." I used to say, "Wait, really? It's cold. It's dark. I'm in pajamas. And I'm pretty sure I'll never locate Howard and be able to get him back in his cage." Now I just say "yes." And I never regret it.

When I go outside on those mornings, I usually go to Murchison. The school has a hill that looks east over Austin. It's the perfect place to watch the sunrise slowly bathe the city in a new dawn. It was on the hill this morning that all my mess fell to the ground. 

"I confess I still get scared sometimes, but perfect Love comes rushing in." 

Standing there watching people run around the track below me, anticipating the moment the sun would crest over the horizon, I realized I'd been grasping some things. Little things. And it was making me tired. It was as illuminating a realization as the sunrise, because I had no clue I had control issues. Trust me, I know I have issues (I'm almost 24 and I have a bunny rabbit, so I'm well aware there are some screws loose in the ol' noggin.) 

But this morning, God so gently showed me that when I have doubts about things He has told me are sure, that's me holding on to control. When I have anxiety about the outcome of  certain situations in work or relationships, that's me holding on to control. When I have fear about the future, that's me holding on to control.

As Bethel Music's "Letting Go" was on repeat in my earbuds, I was reminded that when I hold on to stuff, I'm not experiencing the freedom of trust. Trust is stepping out onto water despite the size of the waves. Trust is not dwelling on outcomes despite the current murky circumstance. Trust is choosing joy and forbidding doubt to manifest. 

As I watched the sunrise this morning, I got to let go of the teeny, tiniest things and fall into Him. And I think releasing small things brings just as much freedom as releasing big things. Because, regardless of size, all the stuff we hold on to separates us from trust. And the freedom of falling into Him. 

So, next steps:

1. Listen to "Letting Go" by Bethel Music. Not only will it remind you of the glory to beheld in music reminiscent of the 80's, but the lyrics will encourage you. 

2. Take a big, deep breath, and let go of what you're trying to control. 

3. Experience FREEDOM in falling. Falling into Him.